| hi again |
[Mar. 26th, 2009|05:41 am] |
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wow. it's been such a long time i guess. not really tho. seems like yesterday. but i realize i haven't posted for quite a long human-time. i discovered second life. :) and i met someone and fell in love and she proposed and i accepted and we were together in second life and it was wonderful. more on that later maybe. i just watched a movie with alison that gives me a lot of hope. omg i haven't written here for so long. it's strange. anyway, the movie is '13 going on 30'. a 13 year old girl wishes she was 30, and then wakes up in her 30 year old body. yeah. and her 30 year old self is a successful editor of a magazine, and she has to learn how to live in this 30 year old body with its job and friends and stuff. so this gave me an idea. maybe i can do more stuff in alison's body, even though its not mine. like, maybe i could fix her office the way i like it, and her part of her and julie's house like i like it. i have to be careful. ally's latest shrink, dr. ann, is very big on not letting anyone know about being dissociative. i dont want ally to lose her job cause of me. and she works with all these old men. 'shudder'. gives me the creeps. but there are some younger people lately. omg i need to write here more often. |
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| hi |
[Nov. 19th, 2007|07:39 pm] |
yeah, i'm still around. yeah, i'm still 13. we're back in therapy. woohoo. probly gonna start making entries again.
love,
amanda |
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| favorite new rock group T.A.T.U. |
[Mar. 11th, 2003|08:16 pm] |
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost
If I'm asking for help it's only because
Being with you has opened my eyes
Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?
I keep asking myself, wondering how
I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out
Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me
Nobody else so we can be free
Nobody else so we can be free
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough
All the things she said
All the things she said
And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed
They say it's my fault but I want her so much
Wanna fly her away where the sun and rain
Come in over my face, wash away all the shame
When they stop and stare - don't worry me
Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me
I can try to pretend, I can try to forget
But it's driving me mad, going out of my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough
All the things she said
All the things she said
Mother looking at me
Tell me what do you see?
Yes, I've lost my mind
Daddy looking at me
Will I ever be free?
Have I crossed the line?
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
All the things she said
All the things she said
Running through my head
This is not enough
This is not enough
All the things she said
All the things she said |
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| reading rocks |
[Oct. 29th, 2002|05:15 pm] |
i looked up sarah waters books on amazon, and there were links to book lists made by peeps that liked her books. and i got some author names and i've found 4 more books to read! i love reading. i absolutely love it. and now i'm gonna read clippsy's journal. and then i gotta go. i get so little time out these days. but i get to read, which totally rocks.
:^) |
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| show me love |
[Oct. 12th, 2002|07:58 pm] |
it's been so long. i think i'm changing. i've discovered books. i mean books that i like to read. sarah waters. i read two by her: "tipping the velvet", and "fingersmith". both set in victorian england. i think ally likes them too. it's just that when we're reading a book that i like and she likes, it feels so awesomely right. ok, anyway, guess what tipping the velvet means? you'll have to find the book and read it to find out. fingersmith means pickpocket. both books are awesome.
and, i found my favorite movie so far. called "show me love". it's in swedish with yellow english sub-titles. about a girl that just turned 16, and has this huge attraction to this other girl in her school, but is afraid to talk with her. the movie is incredible. they do find each other tho. that's the kind of love that i want. so pure. so good. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. please watch the movie. you won't regret it. it's absolutely beautiful.
love from the demon-world,
amanda |
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| non-sexual love |
[Aug. 11th, 2002|12:01 pm] |
oh! and another thing that i wanna talk about. i know, i talk too much. but hey, i love to talk and i have lots of words to say! ok ok. non-sexual love. is that kewl or what?! i just realized this morning that i can love lots of peeps if it's non-sexual! awesome no? when i thought sex was love and love was sex, i fell in love with everyone, but it was a sexual love. which i'm sure a lot of guys in chat didn't mind, cause it meant plenty of cyber for them. but hey, i don't cyber anymore! omg! is that not totally majestically awesome?! course i would probably make an exception if someone i loved and who loved me, was in dire need. :^) hey, i'm still a demon right?! ok. but so, i can love julie (sexual), i can love alison (omg it's still sexual). ok ok. i'm not a good girl. i love james sexually. oh shit this isn't working is it. sheesh. oh well. i was gonna say i can love clippsy non-sexually, but there's a sexual component to it. i'm sorry. oh well. i'm still learning. i'm not perfect. but no one is. and i don't have to be perfect. i love mattie, and davidx, and rickbert, and bobl. and of course jennifer. i love dr. donna (non-sexual). i love dawn and pauly and arthur and sean and ryan and alberta and the goddess (all non-sexual!!!) woohoo! so ok, maybe there's still a sexual component sometimes where i feel there shouldn't be, but i can respect the other person's comfort zone. and respect ally and julie. oh well, i've still got things to work out. guess i'll keep seeing dr. donna. hehe.
anyhow, the theory was, and maybe it's still valid, that if i can love non-sexually, i'll be able to have a lot more friends. right? cause lots of peeps don't view sex the way i do. or used to. or whatever. god i'm confused. but hey, i know i can learn, and i'm going to keep trying.
love to you all, (you guess which type!)
amanda |
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| my love sleeping |
[Aug. 11th, 2002|11:50 am] |
julie got back from her trip friday night around 1am. she was exhausted, after having worked a full day and then driving for 4 hours! we went to bed and snuggled and fell asleep. in the morning, i got up before she did, and watched her sleep. she is so beautiful when she sleeps. she was on her side, with her hands up by her head, her face like an angel. i'm not kidding. it is so beautiful. her short blond hair framing those beautiful eyebrows and big eyes, which were closed. cute little nose over beautiful lips. omg. and her legs. omg again. she had on her short pj shorts. her legs were bent a little and her anklet looked so good. i love her feet. her toes. omg. i let her sleep, cause she was so tired the day before. quite mature of me no?!
the good news: i'm going with her on her trip this week! yay! driving back to the install site. she coordinated some installation of some network last week, and next week is the training. she's not doing the training, just making sure everything goes smoothly. so she should have more time in the evenings to be with us. :^) but ally told her not to worry. we're taking a bunch of books. virginia woolf bio for me, and java texts for ally. ally is really getting off on this java stuff. she got accepted to grad school after getting a's in the prereq courses last year, and she's decided to have a concentration in distributed computing. whatever that means. i'm happy that she's happy about it.
i'm trying to work out a deal with ally and julie, where i get to be online for one hour each day. or maybe 1/2 hour if i can't get the full hour. that would at least give me time to post here, and maybe chat a little. i won't abuse it. really. i hope it works out.
so, it's been great being online with all of you this week. hopefully i haven't misbehaved too badly and pissed off too many people. i made some new friends, and learned more about humans. (what a strange, complicated lot you are.) and i hope to be back soon.
love to everyone and a special hug and kiss for clippsy (lan party sounds kewl girl!),
crazy amanda |
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| doing things to her |
[Aug. 9th, 2002|08:30 pm] |
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ally and julie were in the pool a couple of weeks ago, and ally pulled herself up on the side so she was sitting with her legs dangling in the water, and julie was standing in the shallow end and they were talking. and all of a sudden i came out. and i looked into julie's eyes, and told her that she couldn't imagine how much i loved her, and she couldn't imagine all the things i wanted to do to her. and she said that made her feel like a sex object, and not particularly loved, that i wanted to do things "to" her. so i thought, and then i said "i want to do things with you. i want to make you very very happy. i want to do things with you that make you very very happy" she said that was better. :^) |
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| intimacy |
[Aug. 9th, 2002|08:16 pm] |
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i'm learning about intimacy. dr. donna told ally that i was cybering cause i wanted intimacy. and ally figured out i was using meta-sex to get her horny so i could have sex with julie, and that was cause what i really wanted was intimacy. so. when we told julie this, julie started to teach us. she said it's intimate when she touches me and ally touches her, or i touch her using ally's body. it's intimate when ally and julie are lying in bed reading, and julie puts her leg across ally's and asks ally to stroke it. julie loves to have her feet and legs stroked. she says she wouldn't do that with anyone else and that it's very intimate. there's like, a million little things that are intimate. snuggling is intimate. seeing julie putting on her panties and bra is intimate. showering with julie, of course, is an intimacy. telling the truth, sometimes, is an intimate act. lots of stuff. so. maybe there can be intimacy outside of sex. outside of outrageous wild sex. yep. still stuff to learn. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 7th, 2002|06:38 pm] |
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i've been hanging out in the yahoo depression support chat rooms lately. i find depressive peeps are very intelligent. plus, i'm not scared by the whole suicide theme that is so popular in those rooms. and i made a good friend the other day. he was all talking about ending it all, and we started talking and it turns out his mom was multiple!!! wtf?! and he never talked about it with her cause he was scared to, and she would pull it together when he came over so he wouldn't think she was crazy. i've wanted so much to talk with someone like me. but haven't met a protector yet. this guy really likes the fact that i'm a protector, and he felt much better after chatting with me. i told him talking helps. it really does. it's a great anxiety reducer. maybe even better than sex or meta-sex?! nah! :^) and he has trouble expressing his feelings. anywayz, i told him i'm sure that his mom had a protector, and he almost cried! i'm sure she did. and the reason that she was alive to give birth to him, is that she had that protector and her inner family, so she could endure the abuse when she was a child. it's why ally is still alive. cause me and all of us in here took care of her when she was little. don't be so scared of mental disorders. to some peeps, they are lifesavers. course they might get in the way of things sometimes, but that's a different story, and it's why we have therapy and shrinks. so there. nuff said. love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 7th, 2001|03:35 pm] |
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hi! this is a test of the livejournal system... |
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